“Best book to understand Gaslighting”

Just saw this:

Hi there,

Im looking for a book that explains gaslighting really well. Its for me and my Dad.

My mum abused me as a child, along with her siblings.
ts a big family secret they have kept well by using group gaslighting.  Their gaslighting, and pretending nothing happened/excluding me, is probably the last biggest hurdle I have in healing (My dad was also manipulated by them).  At some level…I still find it hard to believe myself.

So i’m looking for a really good book about gaslighting.  Any help would be very much appreciated!  https://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,44230.msg716939.html#msg716939

Among the answers:

The term stems from the film Gas Light which is free available on youtube so maybe apart from the recommended books about psychopathy it’s useful to (re)watch the film to get better understanding?


There is a book called “The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life” by Dr. Robin Stern. I read it a few years ago and thought it was excellent. 
https://www.amazon.com/Gaslight-Effect-Survive-Manipulation-Control/dp/0767924452
George Simon’s book “In Sheep’s Clothing” is really good too.
https://www.amazon.com/Sheeps-Clothing-Understanding-Dealing-Manipulative/dp/1935166301

Another good one is: The Empathy Trap: Understanding Antisocial Personalities by by Jane McGregor and Tim McGregor.

The authors also had an interview on SOTT Talk Radio: https://www.sott.net/article/270014-Behind-the-Headlines-The-Empathy-Trap-Understanding-how-predators-manipulate-peoples-strengths-and-weaknesses

https://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,44230.0.html

For those who have never experienced gaslighting I would suggest starting with the movie itself.

I once went into the local precinct to report that I thought that individuals were entering my apartment (I suspected an ex and a friend).  The PAA asked me if anything was stolen.  I replied no, only that electrical/electronic devices were turned on and off.  She just looked at me.  I was almost embarrassed to be saying it out loud.  I never got to the part, “oh yeah, and I think the guy was a cop.”

There are actually two types of gaslighting:  the first where the victim is not aware that the gaslighting is purposeful, the second where the victim is fully aware (by the gaslighter’s intent) but can’t say anything because no one will believe them.

 

Psychopathic tadpole drains normy tadpole of life force/juices — biological instraspecies predators, parasites, cheater strategists and sneaker males

Spadefoot normal and cannibal tadpoles

Among spadefoot toads some tadpoles become cannibals while the rest eat algae (http://www.centre.edu/web/news…..storz.html). If there is enough food and the water doesn’t dry up (which is the norm) the normals keep their numbers up and things are more or less in balance. If the ponds dry too quickly then the faster growing cannibals are much more likely to survive to adulthood and reproduce. If the proportion tips in favor of the cannibals they eventually have to turn on themselves and the population crashes. In the rebuild, the normals again come to the fore. Rinse. Repeat.

Dr. Robert Hare describes psychopaths as “intraspecies predators who use charm, manipulation, intimidation and violence to control others and to satisfy their own selfish needs.” They lack conscience, they take what they want and do as they please, without guilt or remorse. “What is missing, in other words, are the very qualities that allow a human being to live in social harmony.” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychopathy

Flanged and Flangeless Male Orangutans

Nature's Sneakiest Males, And How They Win Where Alpha Males FailNature's Sneakiest Males, And How They Win Where Alpha Males Fail

“One of the more startling examples of the two types of males is in the Sumatran orangutan. The species is famous for male bimaturism. Some males mature fast, developing their bodies and growing the distinctive folds, or flanges, on the sides of their faces. Other males keep a juvenile look, sometimes for as long as twenty years after becoming sexually mature. These juvenile-looking males can get chased out of a territory by a mature male, but much of the time they’re ignored. Biologists thought that this was a typical sneaker strategy. The unflanged males looked too young to be worth fighting.” http://io9.gizmodo.com/natures-sneakiest-males-and-how-they-win-where-alpha-m-1678927415

Chinook Salmon

Nature's Sneakiest Males, And How They Win Where Alpha Males Fail

Chinook salmon swim up river every year to spawn. Two kinds of males make the trip. Jacks are small, slender fish that sexually mature fast without putting on bulk. Hooknoses mature slowly, spending more time in the ocean feeding and fattening up. The difference between the two is dramatic, as is the difference between their technique. Hooknoses are big and bulky, and can fight off other males, but when it comes down to it, maneuverability is key. Jacks can dart in at a crucial moment, releasing their sperm and fertilizing the eggs the hooknose fought for.”  http://io9.gizmodo.com/natures-sneakiest-males-and-how-they-win-where-alpha-m-1678927415

George Simon, PhD, somehow makes the mistake of thinking psychopaths are the only known intraspecies predator.  This isn’t so, see spadefoot toads above (I’m sure there are others also).  But his understanding of psychopaths is right on:

Psychopaths are the only known intra-species predators.  [. . .] they consider themselves superior creatures compared to common humans.  They have the most malignant form of narcissism.  They know all too well how different they are from the rest of us but don’t consider this a shortcoming.  Rather, they consider themselves more than “special.” They consider themselves distinctly superior to those who possess two characteristics they don’t have:  empathy and conscience.  The way they see it, folks with a heart and with those things the rest of us call “qualms” are an inferior breed, the perfect patsies, and their rightful prey.  http://www.manipulative-people.com/serious-abusers-and-psychologys-failure-to-understand-them/

Assumed similarity bias

Quote from Psychopaths and Love, excerpts and paragraphs [Blue bolding added] (http://psychopathsandlove.com/dangerous-mistake-about-the-psychopathic-mind/):

Do You Make This Simple (But Dangerous) Mistake About the Psychopathic Mind?

“Misinterpreting the behavior of a disordered character is the first step in the process of being victimized by them.” (Dr. George Simon)

. . . Assumed Similarity Bias — a mental shortcut that leads us to the unconscious assumption that others share the same or similar values, thoughts and beliefs. We automatically assume that others are just like we are, especially when it comes to the fundamental aspects of our characters that are so basic we never even give them a second thought — such as having a conscience.  [PW:  let me add additional descriptive terms:  normalcy bias, belief in basic human goodness bias, see-no-evil bias, mom and dad would have told me bias, keep reality within my current frame of reference bias, pound that square peg into that round hole bias, there’s nothing scary here bias, Captain Kangaroo [Mr. Rogers, etc.] never talked about this bias, everything traces back to childhood bias, etc.]

In other words, you never for a moment stop to consider that some people in fact have a drastically different way of being, one that is so foreign to you that you can’t even begin to grasp it.

. . .

“He doesn’t depend on our love because he ‘fears emptiness’… he depends on it because our love enables him to exploit and manipulate us. He doesn’t search for people to ‘cling to,’ he searches for people to VICTIMIZE. Don’t forget, we are dealing with a predator. You are attributing your feelings and motivations to him, when in fact they are not like yours at all. The anger is simply from frustration when he doesn’t get his needs met…They do not share our need for ‘authentic purpose.’ That’s your need, not the need of the psychopath. They have their own purpose, which is vastly different from your purpose.”

. . .

The truth is very difficult to understand from our own frame of reference. It’s important to understand it, though, because it is their significant differences that cause the harm we experience.

. . .

When we experience someone engaging in bad behavior of one kind or another, we think of it in terms of why WE might act that way and how WE would feel afterward. When we do this, we come up with the idea that the behavior may stem from insecurity, past wounds, fear, or a lack of love; and we imagine they must feel shame and guilt after treating us so badly. Because of this, we are more apt to forgive, to let things slide, to stick it out and see if things will change with love and acceptance and time.

But when the same things happen again and again, it comes time to face an important truth:

The only intelligent way to make judgements about people is to base those judgements on their patterns of behavior, and not on what we think the reasons for their behavior might be.

. . .

Unfortunately, traditional psychology still hangs on to the outdated belief that everyone is struggling with insecurities and fears, and teaches that this struggle is what causes problem behavior. This puts us at a disadvantage and leaves us vulnerable to abuse and exploitation. And it seems to say that the field of psychology itself is operating under its own ‘assumed similarity’ bias! 

. . .

It’s very difficult to understand how the psychopathic mind works because it is so totally different from what we know. I think it’s made even harder because we don’t want to believe it’s possible, and we don’t want to accept that the person we were with was not at all who or what we thought they were, and that nothing we believed about the relationship was true… and that it wasn’t even a relationship at all.  . . .  (http://psychopathsandlove.com/dangerous-mistake-about-the-psychopathic-mind/)